It has been a tiring year, anxious for rest, no doubt. I am lacking words with an eloquence or profoundness, and my attempts at bringing tattered fragments to a completion has been something that I have found myself stumbling over. But I believe that there’s such an importance in documenting the transitions that stretch and grow and change, to be able to look back from a year from now and see how things have evolved. It’s sad and comforting and intriguing how words can manifest themselves over and over, even after the events that shaped my words have passed – perhaps not entirely learned or healed, but there’s a gripping that reoccurs and that’s why I write- mostly in my journals, but sometimes I feel compelled to share on this medium. I think it’s mostly because I want to have a reminder and a place to look back on, so that in my heart I can say: “Wow, that is where I once was,”. There’s something refreshing about being able to scroll down and look at photos that associate themselves with a period that I walked through.
Recently, I’ve found myself walking through one of the heaviest, and most arduous periods of my life, where having to allow myself and my heart the grace and time necessary to heal has been one of the most trying, yet precious and beautiful things for who I am becoming – to be able to pray and sing and write from this place is something that I’ll always hold dear, as crazy as it sounds. To be shaken (spiritually and quite literally) and brought to a brokenness that leaves me on my knees has shaped my prayers to a plea that I might become a woman with a heart that’s left more kind, more tender, and a faith that lingers and clings more at the cross…that I might see more joy in the mornings and more grace in each step. I’m learning. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other (even if it drags), to be faithful, even if it’s sloppy, it’s still faith. I’m recognizing that this winter has been exactly what I’ve needed. Tiring but so thankful – for the memories and the experiences and the lessons, for those who take the time to call, and for the breaking. This winter in its entirety is shaping my mind and mending my heart and I’m left realizing: God has been so incredibly kind and faithful and good to me.