Here’s the thing: I’m trying to slow down.
Trying to be fully present. Trying to love deeply and sincerely. Times are rich and wonderfully good. But frankly, I’m exhausted. I’ve realized that not many seventeen-year-olds take on the burdens of trying to working nearly 30 hours a week as a manager, while balancing being full-time in college amidst high school classes. Not many folks try and pursue that, and add photography into the equation, nor the desire to invest in friendships, and build life around the local church. It’s hard, and more than often, I feel as if I’m about to crack.
I’m not entirely sure what the balance of being honest is and where the line is to over share. I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is no glory in being busy and often it’s tempting to think so. I’m trying to evaluate where my time should be going and trying take a step or two back. Longing to love Christ fuller and learning surrender. I’m struggling and wrestling. Trying to invest in where I am and stop wishing my life away. Learning to be thankful and learning to take naps. Learning to be intentional with my time and remember that God is the same God that He has always been. Faithful and very kind.
Most days, things seem like too much. I’m often intimidated by the early mornings and lack of sleep. I forget to pray for thankfulness and obedience and yet I still see His hand working, shaping, refining, what was begun (philippians 1). He’s showing me what it means to take up my cross. Surrender. He’s showing me the wretchedness of my heart and the vileness of my tongue(james 3). I see discipline and forgiveness more vividly now than ever before. I realize that indeed, all is rubbish and no good things are apart from Him(see Phil 3 and Psalm 16).
I’m realizing that loneliness and isolation are words that could describe my days, if you’re really wanting to know. It’s the rhythm of routine that calls and I firmly believe that this is no mistake. Ordained, is the word I would use. I wish I had more time to play the piano and journal more often and pick up the camera. I wish I remembered to pray and read more often. However, I find comfort in the gospel and knowledge of my unworthy state and comfort in His love. I’m asking questions and seeking joy and wandering and getting lost. I am growing and remain confident that this season is being used to sanctify me more and more. What I do know, is that indeed, the Lord has assigned me my portion and He is good to me(psalm 13). if you have a moment, pray for me, if you would.