I fail to write frequently; eloquently, at all, for that matter. And nowadays, my journals are messy. The ink is smudged and the lines are quick and all the words run together; making the deciphering of what I wrote afterwards more difficult than usual. There is so much to say, yet so little, too. Cluttering the pages are joys, sorrows, aches. Questions, desires, confessions, prayers, a wrecked heart. I am still seeing each day how faith, real faith, is messy. The weight of my sloppy faithfulness to Him, the fickleness of my sinful soul; it all hurts. How wicked I am and yet how merciful He is. Grateful that He gives more grace, enough grace, for each day; leaving me lingering in the awe of the Cross.
I’m realizing that I find the most joy within the valleys, the most humility in defeat, and the most peace when I rest in His wonderful sufficiency. I’m understanding how the worldly, temporary joys are so less satisfying, and that His sacrifice and forgiveness is what holds me…I’m seeing that sorrow is how I learn; that through the Gospel, there is life; that through the disappointments, He withholds no good thing (psalm 84:11); and that all is truly rubbish compared to the sweetness of gaining Him (phil 3:8).
I waiver and doubt; He says. “My grace is sufficient”. I worry and question; He says to trust. I choose to sin and curse the things of His hands; He sent His son and forgave me. My heart becomes weary and faint; He says “I will give you rest”. My bones ache and I despair; He says, “Cast all your cares on Me.” I wander and hear the Words of Love. I knock and cry out; He calls me by name, saying, “Nothing will snatch you from my hand”.
Though in the night my troubled heart cries out, the sweet morning dawns new mercies and His promise saying, “I am enough.” Though I change, He changes not. His love and mercy abound. Hallelujah.
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