This past year has been full. It has been a kind, sweet, sort of full. The occurrences amid it all have been numerous; holding abundantly more than what I could have ever thought or asked for. My heart has been cracked, stretched, and rebound. Sorrow lingered in joy’s midst and though there were many moments of weariness and brokenness, there was a gracious peace in the uncertainty of this year. “I don’t know” has been the answer to many of my questions and I’ve seen the sweetness in learning to trust and sing “It is well with my soul” and understanding how it will all be ok. It overwhelms me, thinking how much things can change but also remain constant and steady at the same time. I suppose it could be a year of paradoxes, with everything that's been entailed within these last twelve months. My perspective on life has changed. I’ve changed with the seasons.
I’ve grown to see how in the ache, the rawness, and the embracing of the inability to “do it all” there is no shame. How sorrows have shaped me, and for all the hurt and ache and death and grief there has been joy and love and life and grace moreover. How in the things that haven’t changed, there’s been growth. How coming out towards the end is far more different than what I thought in the beginning. How all I could truly ask for, is more and more grace; and that he’s given me enough. Enough for yesterday, enough for today, and enough for tomorrow. Far more than enough.
Observing, absorbing, wondering, questioning…I’ve learned more about myself all through it. What I want to be, and who I am. What I hold dear and learning not to take things all too personally. Seeing how rather than an istj, isfj (yay personality quizzes!!!) is perhaps a bit more accurate and that how at eighteen I feel like such a wannabe; there’s so much more to life and so much more to learn. Seeing how there is much joy in the insignificant and the simplicity. Seeing the obvious things are becoming moreso obvious. Becoming more and more aware of how life is so fleeting and how my longings are satisfied through His being and blood and work on the cross alone. How though my love often falters and fails, He still holds me fast. It’s all been a gracious uncertainty, this year, with much change and much of the same. In another year, who knows where I’ll be at. It’s frightening but wonderful all at the same time. May we never grow familiar with the grace and hope and love and life that’s been generously given and find rest and joy from the well dones and you’ve made its. may we move forward in the new year with much intention and a lower view of self as we bravely face the unknown; our comfort stemming in the knowledge that we are where we are meant to be and our boast being, “I need Him most”. i eagerly seek and await 2015. all that it holds.