I have no idea what I'm doing
Life lately has felt like an unpredictable sea in the midst of a dark, trying storm... A storm where seeing a foot in front of you is nearly impossible. A humming sound came softly behind me from the dishwasher as I stood shaking, tears rolling down my cheeks, trying to breathe. I stood utterly confused, overwhelmed, stuck, disappointed-- feelings that seem far too familiar to me each year around this time. I broke. All the feelings and thoughts I had kept locked up for so long let loose, like water rushing through open gates of a dam. Words that I dared not utter finally left my lips: "I don't know what I'm even doing," I told my mom. I faced the fact that I was not where I wanted or intended to be. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I hit a wall. I was stuck. Summer has not been as I imagined or hoped, and at times it can be extremely discouraging. Many times, I have been so close to throwing in the towel regarding all things photography. I have been close to deciding that my desires for marriage should be abandoned after finding out that once again, affections I had were not returned and should instead retire to the single, "forever alone" life.
Dare I say that having a flowchart for every detail of my life would make things easier? Trusting and faith...it's not easy, to say the least. But if faith were easy, wouldn't it not be real faith? I find myself stuck in a dark patch, or perhaps lost in the middle of a field of overgrown grass; I cannot see what the future holds and to say that it scares me not would be a lie. All I can do is put everything I cling to (and wrongly so) at the feet of my Father, and instead cling to what stands the test of time: the cross of Jesus. I realize all I can do is that and ask God to change my heart and put Him above all. That he would show me what to do as each day passes and constantly remind me, "Oh child of little faith, why are you afraid?" (Matthew 8:26).
Internal conflict has been deep within my soul..trying to find contentment and joy knowing that I am exactly where I am intended to be. Trying to cherish the present and remember what is to come will come. Trying to remember that I cannot mess up God's plan. Trying to remember that none can love me more than Jesus. Battling my fear of waiting and uncertainty when my mind plays dirty tricks on my heart. I sing and play all the more louder the stanzas by Louisa M. R. Stead in her hymn, "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" and stanzas of Anne R. Cousin's hymn, "The Sands of Time are Sinking" is that not a gift of grace that I can sing those words with a whole-hearted confidence?
"We trust in what we cannot see," my mom told me. "It's so hard," I whimpered. But that's the beauty of it. Jesus uses every little moment, every stage in life to bring His children closer. I forget that X is only a stage, a stage that takes me further on the journey closer to Christ. That X stage will not last always. That I have hope in the source of my hope: Jesus. That I look not to my hand which clings to Christ, but to Christ himself.
"We will never find happiness by looking at our prayers, or deeds, or our feelings," Spurgeon writes, "It is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul."
I hear the savior say, thy strength indeed is small, child of weakness watch and pray, find in me thine all in all. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control: That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul. With mercy and with judgment my web of time He wove, And aye, the dews of sorrow were lustered with His love; I’ll bless the hand that guided, I’ll bless the heart that planned when throned where glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.
When life feels like an unpredictable sea, Jesus remains the anchor to my soul. -Hannah